Sometimes, there's nothing like a little humor to brighten your day! Get ready to laugh, groan, and everything in between as you get a load of this collection of the best money jokes and puns! From eye-roll-worthy dad jokes to clever one-liners, we've got a little something for everyone.
Read on for our favorite money jokes, and then get ready to share your favorites in the comments!
Puns About Money
Feeling a little punny? Us too! Now check out our favorite money puns!
- Why did the ghost get evicted from the graveyard? Because he was dead broke.
- What do you call a bookkeeping vampire? Accountant Dracula.
- Where do vampires keep their money? At the blood bank.
- Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snow bank.
- Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.
- What's a river bank full of? Sand dollars.
- Where do spies invest their money? In the Bond…James Bond market.
- Why did the fishermen get such a great discount on a boat? Because it was on sail.
- Why did the Irish investor always have so much money? Because his money was always Dublin.
- Why did one penny team up with the other penny? Because it made more cents to work as a team.
More Puns About Money
Because you really can't ever have enough puns, here's a baker's dozen more!
- How did the scarecrow get a raise? By standing out in his field.
- Why did the architect refuse to work for the Pharaoh? Because he suspected the offer was a pyramid scheme.
- Why did the football coach get into a fight with a vending machine? Because he wanted his quarter back.
- What do the moon and a dollar have in common? They both have four quarters.
- Why is money called dough? Because everybody kneads it.
- Why don't Leprechauns ever have enough money? Because they're always a bit short.
- Why isn't ten cents worth as much as it used to be? The dimes have changed.
- Why did the woman always walk around all day with her purse open? Because the forecaster predicted change in the weather.
- What do you call a wealthy sorceress? A very witch person.
- What did the comedian say when he robbed a bank? This is a stand-up.
- What did the duck say when he was finished shopping? Just put it on my bill.
- Why did the student eat a dollar bill? Because his mom told him it was lunch money.
- What has a hundred heads and a hundred tails? A hundred pennies.
Jokes About Money: One-Liners
Need to make someone laugh fast? Then check out these one-liners!
- “Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.”—Steven Wright, comedian
- “My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off”. —Comedian Matin Atrushi
- If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
- Always borrow money from a pessimist – they never expect it back.
- College is the opposite of kidnapping – unless you hand over $100,000, they'll send your kid back.
- “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
- “There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. – Jack Yelton
- “Money isn't the most important thing in life, but it's reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it' scale. – Zig Ziglar
- “Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.” – Will Rogers
- “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray
- “Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.” – Mark Twain
- If money grew on trees, fall would be everyone’s favorite season.
- They say money talks, but all mine ever seems to say is “goodbye.”
- Once I was in so much debt that I couldn't afford to pay my electricity bills – it was a dark time.
- “I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.” – Ron Kittle
- If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.
- The only place you'll always find money is in the dictionary.
Jokes About Money and Marriage
It's important to talk openly about money in your marriage. But sometimes you have to laugh about it too!
- What are a married man’s two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
- Why did the husband and wife always invest in the stock market as a team? Because a family that trades together stays together.
- What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $50 steak? February 14th
- Why didn't the wife report her husband's credit card stolen? She realized the thief spent less than her husband did.
- What do you call it when a couple has to borrow money to pay for their wedding? A credit union.
- “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
- A frustrated husband asks his wife why she can’t learn to live within their income. “On your salary?” the wife says. “It’s all I can do to live within our credit.”
- “I think we may need a new bank account,” a husband tells his wife. “The one we have keeps running out of money.”
- Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it!
Jokes About Giving Money
It's no secret that giving is one of our favorite financial priorities. It can be a really serious and important topic. But nothing in life is too serious that you can't laugh about it sometimes!
- Why are canine lawyers always so broke? Because they love to work pro-bone-o.
- Why did the paper company's charity event fail? It was tear-able.
- Why did the mortgage join a dating site? Because it was a loan.
- Why did the lobster refuse to make a donation? Because he was too shellfish.
- How much money do pirates donate to charities? About a buccaneer.
- Do lifeguards ever lend money? It deep-ends.
- Why did the paper company's charity event fail? Because it was tear-able.
- A non-profit approached a famous investor and asked if he would donate a single Bitcoin to their charity. “What?! $56,846?” the investor replied. “$15,259 is a lot of money. What are you going to do with $34,987 anyway?
- A robber jumps out at a man one night and screams “Give me all your money!” “You’ll never get away with this,” the man replies smugly. “I’m a United States congressman!” “In that case,” the robber replies, “give me all my money!”
- Did you hear about that one guy who won $500,000 in the lottery and donated a quarter of it to charity? Now he only has $499,999.75.
- The local sushi shop asked if I wanted to donate to their charity drive, but something about it just felt fishy.
- Did you hear about the camping fundraiser that made about a trillion dollars for charity? It was in-tents.
- Did you hear about the clown who gave away all his money to charity? Talk about a nice jester.
Jokes About Money and Happiness
Can money buy happiness? That's hotly debated! But the humor factor in these jokes about money and happiness is undisputed!
- A guy walks into work but leaves to go home ten minutes later. When his co-worker calls to see why, he explains that the boss told him to have a great day.
- Why didn't the husband buy his wife anything for their anniversary? When he asked what she wanted, she said “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.”
- Why did the parents buy their son a fridge for his birthday? They couldn't wait to see his face light up when he opened it.
- “All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy”. – Spike Milligan
- They say money isn't the key to happiness. But if I ever have enough, I figure I’ll just pay somebody to change the lock.
Tight With Money Jokes
Do you know a Scrooge in your life? Or maybe you are the Scrooge! Laugh about it with these jokes about money and misers.
- Why did the man keep his money in his freezer instead of the bank? Because he wanted cold hard cash.
- I’m so frugal I got married just for the rice.
- “Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing
- The world's cheapest zoo lost its gorilla but didn't want to fork over the money for a new one. So they hired a guy to dress up in a gorilla outfit and hang out in the gorilla enclosure all day. One day, the man got so into his gorilla act that he accidentally fell into the lion enclosure next to him. “Help, help!” he screamed. The lion ran over and whispered, “Dude, shut up before you get us both fired.”
More Tight with Money Jokes
There's a difference between frugal and cheap. Laugh about it with these jokes!
- A cheap man called the cops to report that his wife had gone crazy and was then destroying their entire kitchen. “Hurry!” the cheap man pleaded, “she’s already ripped half our plates in half!”
- Sometimes my friends tell me I'm too cheap. But I'm not buying it.
- A homeless guy asks a notoriously tight rich man if he can spare some change. “Money doesn’t just grow on trees!” the rich guy says, before coming up with a shrewd idea. “If you’ll come by my house tomorrow, I’ll pay you $20 to paint my porch.” The homeless man agrees and the rich guy walks away smiling because he failed to mention that the porch is a huge wrap-around. But when the homeless man arrives the next day, he doesn’t seem at all upset. In fact, he knocks on the door just an hour later to announce that he’s done and even gave it an extra coat of paint. Smiling to himself, the man hands over $20. “Thanks!” the homeless man says, turning to leave. “And by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lamborghini.”
Knock-Knock Jokes About Money
Knock knock? Who's there? A whole list of money knock knock jokes!
- What did they award the inventor of the knock-knock joke? A no-bell prize.
- Knock knock.
Who's there?
Celeste.
Celeste who?
Celeste time I lend you money!
3. Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No, thanks. But I'll take some peanuts if you have them.
4. Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Halibut.
Halibut who?
Halibut lending me a few bucks?
5. Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Cannelloni.
Cannelloni who?
Cannelloni some money til payday?
More Great Money Jokes
Although these jokes about money are long, we think the punchline is worth the wait!
- A guy sees a talking parrot up for sale at auction and decides to place a bid. The more he’s outbid, the more impressed the guy becomes. So he keeps bidding higher and higher until he wins. Afterward, he approaches the auctioneer and says, “I sank a lot of money into this bird. You’re sure he can really talk right?” “Sure,” the auctioneer says. “Who do you think kept outbidding you?”
- A man finds a genie on the beach. For his very first wish, he wishes to be rich. Nodding, the genie assures him it’s done. The man excitedly logs into his online bank account expecting to find about a billion dollars or even a trillion dollars – only to find no change to his balance. Impatiently, the genie says, “Get on with it, Rich. I haven’t got all day.”
- A couple of crooks make a mistake while printing counterfeit money and end up with a huge stack of fifteen-dollar bills. “Don't worry,” the first crook says. “My cousin is a banker who isn't so bright.” So the crooks head over to the cousin's bank and ask if he can break a $15 bill. “No problem,” the cousin says. “Would you like a three-dollar bill and a twelve? Or an eight-dollar bill and a seven?
Our Final Favorite Money Jokes
If these jokes about money don't add a little lightheartedness to your next budget session, we don't know what will! Read on to find our faves and then share with a friend!
- Why did the bank teller get fired? A customer asked if they could check their balance and the teller pushed them over.
- Why did the dollar go to therapy? Because it had too many issues with change!
- Why do banks have drive-throughs? So the car can meet the owner!
- What does the IRS stand for? “TheIRS”
- My employer told me to sign up for the 401(k), but there’s no way I could run that far.
Final Thoughts on Jokes About Money
Can't get your fill of money jokes? Check out the Marriage Kids and Money podcast where we laugh about money and also share honest stories and strategies to help your family tree grow financially free.
Money can be a tough topic to discuss. However, approaching the subject with a sense of humor can help!
Read through these money jokes and then let us know your favorite in the comments below!
